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9 Habits of Highly Successful People Who Still Live at Home

Over the last few months I’ve been lucky enough to interview some of the worlds most accomplished people who still live at home and ask them about what they’ve done to achieve such remarkable levels of professional and personal success. Their answers had a lot in common which I have boiled down to these nine habits that you can incorporate into your own life.

1. They eliminate distractions

Highly successful people are disciplined and focused. They keep their workspaces free from clutter and highly organized so they can focus on doing work rather than searching for things. The traffic light is only red for so long so it’s vitally important that their CD wallet is always within arms reach and that their Discman-to-cassette adapter is plugged in and ready to go. When you’ve got to get there in 30 minutes or less you don’t want to waste any time getting that Megadeth CD blaring over the stereo of your ’98 Geo Metro.

2. They outsource mundane tasks

You’re probably unaware of it but a lot of time is wasted on menial tasks. Highly successful people are always aware of where their time is going which is why they outsource day-to-day tasks like cooking, cleaning and laundry to their mothers. After all, she’s doing a load so the net impact of the 3 – 4 baskets of laundry they’ve accumulated in their basement bedroom will be negligible. They’re making use of what experts call economy of scale. They know there is no benefit in learning skills that others have already mastered. They’ll probably just screw it up so it’s better to let her do it.

3. They make time for themselves

Whether it’s spending hours online looking for bad-ass swords to add to their collection or watching as they feed live mice to their pet snake “David Boa”, they know its important to have hobbies that allow you to unwind and de-stress.

4. They wake up early

Surveys show that most successful people get up before noon. If their work day starts at 4PM, they will have eaten a couple Pop-Tarts; smoked some pot; watched the Price Is Right and two re-runs of “Who’s the Boss” and rubbed one out all before they arrive half an hour late to their job.

5. They dress for success

Nothing says “tip the delivery guy” like a dragon print bowling shirt and a freshly un-crumpled set of cargo shorts. Highly successful people know you only get one chance at a first impression so it’s important to let people know how much they love Slayer when choosing their wardrobe. If you haven’t already, invest in a good pair of black Crocs that can go with any outfit. But what do successful people consider the most important style tip? Ponytails. Goatees and Ponytails.

6. They’re constantly networking

You can’t say “a buddy and me are thinking about maybe opening a vape shop” without a robust pool of acquaintances.  Successful people dedicate a couple of hours each day to like and comment on the Facebook profiles of people they met in middle school.  They know that a lot of those people may have continued to be socially active and may have continued to make new friends. That’s why successful people don’t shy away from self promotion and letting everyone know they still exist and are awesome for having never left their home town.

7. They travel

It’s important to open yourself up to new experiences and see the world from different perspectives. This is why the most successful people will sometimes go to the other McDonalds. Not the good one, but the one across town that’s managed by that cross eyed chick they went to high school with who gives them extra fries cause she probably wants to bang them. It can be eye opening to see a place that at first seems so familiar but in actuality has the drive-through on the other side of the building.

8. They aren’t afraid to say no

It’s easy to commit yourself to too much as we often feel guilty turning people down. But whether it’s paying back their student loans from that one semester of community college they flunked out of, or helping their mother with some chores because “it’s time you started pulling your weight around here”, if they’re not passionate about it they’re not afraid to say no. They dedicate their time and energy to projects they truly care about.

9. They know how to take criticism

Successful people know what they’re setting out to accomplish and don’t listen to naysayers. They know that comments like “You know your uncle Jarod is struggling with his kidney thing and needs a lot of help. I’m over there almost every day and really need you to step up” or “You’re late again! How many times do we have to have this conversation? This is coming out of your pay.” come from jealous people who resent them for having the courage to succeed.  They ignore those people and focus on constructive criticism like “Dude, I bet we could get real good at MMA if we wanted!” or “Whatever, that cross eyed chick is probably a lesbian anyway.”

Comprehensive List of Professions that Saw Star Wars

The Force Awakens shattered box office records this weekend, as millions flocked to the theater to see the latest installment of the sci-fi adventure set in a galaxy far far away. But if you needed any more proof that Star Wars isn’t just for nerds anymore take a look at this comprehensive list of audience member’s professions that show how Star Wars fans come from all walks of life:

  • Accountant
  • Lawyer
  • Barista
  • Massage Therapist
  • Executive Assistant
  • Assistant to the Executive Assistant
  • Executive Assistant to the Executive Assistant
  • Executive Being Assisted
  • Villain
  • Super Villain
  • Super Accountant
  • Accountant (No Such thing as a Super Accountant)
  • Swarthy Millionaire
  • Swarthy Billionaire
  • Chimpanzee Wrangler
  • Chimpanzee (Wrangled)
  • Chimpanzee (Un-wrangled)
  • Doctor (Philosophy)
  • Doctor (Sociology)
  • Doctor (English Literature)
  • Doctor (Real)
  • Ed Gein Enthusiast
  • Software Engineer
  • Architect
  • Josh
  • Hunter (Deer)
  • Hunter (Rabbit)
  • Hunter (Most Dangerous Game)
  • Seeker (Harry Potter)
  • Seeker (Waldo)
  • Mechanic (automobile)
  • Mechanic (Aircraft)
  • Mechanic (Horse)
  • Customer Service Representative
  • Sales
  • Technical Support Specialist
  • Special Support Technician
  • Dentist (Colgate)
  • Dentist (Colgate)
  • Dentist (Colgate)
  • Dentist (Colgate)
  • Dentist (Needlessly Contrarian)
  • Student
  • Unemployed
  • Doctor (butt stuff)
  • Butcher
  • Baker
  • Candlestick Maker
  • Mathematician
  • Mathemagician
  • Still Don’t know what I do around here
  • Movie Theatre Projectionists (obviously)
  • President of the United States of America
  • Man Hired by JJ Abrams to Make Sure George Lucas Doesn’t get anywhere near Star Wars.
  • Not George Lucas
  • George Lucas Lookalike
  • Professional Speed Dater
  • Professional Speed Dealer
  • Killer
  • Serial Killer
  • Killer from “Serial”
  • Vet (military)
  • Vet (animal doctor)
  • IT (Information Technology)
  • IT (tag)
  • Police Officer (June)
  • Firefighter (September)
  • Paramedic (February)
  • Pet and Restaurant Licensing Clerk (November)
  • Photographer for “Sexy Men of Lincoln County Civil Service” 2016 Calendar
  • Mathemagician (butt stuff)
  • Oracle of Delphi
  • Retired
  • Cheeseman (maker)
  • Cheeseman (made of)
  • One of a thousand hot girls in your area waiting to chat if you sign up now.

 

 

 

 

 

Nicki Minaj vs Led Zeppelin and Apples vs Oranges

Congratulations on your ability to compare apples to oranges.

Ever think that maybe, just maybe the fact that they are songs from different genres is important? Like maybe the sorts of things that make a good Rock song, like lyrical complexity, are not the same things that make a good Hip Hop song? Maybe a good Hip Hop song has a lot of repetition because you’re suppose to DANCE to it.

And don’t kid yourself into thinking that all songs from 1975 were poetic and deep. Here’s a sample of lyrics from chart toppers KC and the Sunshine Band:

That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do

Oh, that’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Real deep stuff there.

Now I must confess I am not a big Led Zeppelin fan. I don’t know much about them so I had to Google those lyrics to figure out what song it was. And it turns out that song is called “Thank You” which you can easily confirm was released in 1969. Not 1975. I mean, maybe they played it in concert in 1975 but you can’t really argue that was a great year for music when your example isn’t even from that decade.

We can’t even trust memes now? Whats the world coming to?

I see this sort of thing on Facebook somewhat frequently. To the point where I saw it this time and was actually excited because I finally got to take it to task. But I find it’s normally shared by one type of person: People born in the 80s who proclaim that theres been no good music since 70s rock.

The only people who can claim “no good music has been made since the 70s” are people who were teenagers in the 70’s. And they can claim that because they were teenagers in the 70s just like people who were teenagers in the 60s, 80s, 90s can claim that their music was the best because it happened to be on the radio while they were going through puberty and had nothing better to do than listen.

Most songs from most decades are bad, with a few exceptions. When I was in high school the Spice Girls were not considered “good music” but almost everyone my age knows the lyrics to “If You Wanna Be My Lover” and will gleefully sing them on the dance floor at weddings. The song didn’t get better, it got nostalgic. That’s all.

If you were born in the 80s and think nothing is better than 70s rock, it’s because that’s the music your parents were listening to when they were driving you around in a car seat, and you never bothered to branch out. For the record, liking something because it’s what your parents do has got to be the least Rock and Roll thing possible.

Things are different. People are different. People like different things, and nothing is as good as you remember it. So please stop trying to pretend like your particular tastes make you better than everyone else.

Advertising Toilet Paper

There are really only two reasons you would like or share this photo:

  1. You are a child and laugh at any mention of toilet paper, toilets or anything to do with bodily functions. In which case, whatever. We were all eight at one point. It’s a phase you’ll get over it.
  2. You are an adult  who has absolutely no idea how capitalism works.

I don’t expect you to have a PhD in economics or anything but you have got to know that there is more than one company that sells toilet paper. There is no state-run monolithic Toilet Paper Company. On the most basic level this is why we fought the Cold War. We nearly nuked Cuba into a smouldering pit in the middle of the ocean all in defence of having entire aisles dedicated to an insanely overwhelming selection of toilet paper. (Editors note: We fought Korea for the cereal aisle, and Vietnam was all about the right to hold Tupperware parties). It’s pretty common knowledge. I’d put good money on school kids being able to name more brands of toilet paper than US Presidents. Then you come along “OMG! LOL! SO TRUE! SHARE, SHARE, SHARE. LIKE LIKE LIKE. What a waste of money! Why are they advertising a product everyone uses?!?!”

Well, if you pay really close attention you’ll notice that toilet paper companies don’t spend a lot of time convincing you to USE toilet paper. They don’t go on TV and say,”Hey you, if you’re not wiping your butt with cellulose from a tree after you poop you’re a horrible, unsanitary, monster.”

They’re not even saying, “Hey, we’re the only company who makes this stuff. Believe me, we’d rather be doing something else too but it’s our duty to society so buy it and don’t be horrible, unsanitary, monster.”

No, most of the advertising for toilet paper says something like “Hey, we know you’re going to use this anyway but boy, oh boy it sure would be swell if you bought it from us. You see, we’re different from those other toilet paper companies. We’ve got waves and ripples,  pleats and troughs, grooves and contours, thick and plump rolls full of  double the absorbent and clean sheets. So buy our toilet paper otherwise you’re a horrible, unsanitary, monster.” You’re asking why there are commercials when they’re literally explaining why in their commercials.

Perhaps the simplest explanation as to why they advertise toilet paper is that there are people who will share this picture so there are people out there so obviously clueless about how things actually are that maybe they do need to be told to use toilet paper.

Technology Free Childhood

Hey, here’s a fun internet trick: In the Facebook search bar type “Rock” “Country” or “Hits” followed by a number between 88 and 108 and you’ll have instant access to all the share-bait you could ever want. I don’t know why radio stations have become the default repository of pixelated JPEGS of moderately amusing things, but the trend is undeniable.  Years from now internet archeologists will stumble upon these pages and wonder what any of it had to do with “music”.

This particular one is brought to you by Rock 103, who provide an emphatic “yup” in support of “I’m so thankful I had a childhood before technology took over”. Really? You had a childhood before there was technology?

What technology was that? Did you mean Facebook?  iPhones? The internet?

Or did you mean television, radio, airplanes, antibiotics, electricity, the cotton gin, pasteurized milk, the steam engine, iron ploughs, the ox cart, written language, bronze tools, waterwheels, agriculture, domestication of animals, stone cutting tools, or one of those long sticks used to poke termite nests?

Seriously, don’t even get me started on termite poking sticks. Used to be you’d have to dig up those nests by hand, get your nails all dirty while you frantically shoved the juiciest of those maggot-like ants into your mouth. Kids today! Amiright?

And while growing up without technology puts you in the very enviable position of being “The Ancient One”, walking the earth for millennia, witnessing the rise and fall of countless civilizations, and to whom a human lifespan is but a fleeting moment quickly lost in the ever expanding ocean of time,  it has not taught you that things change.

Every generation for all of human history has had new technology that corrupts youth, destroys society and distracts us from whats really important. Youth are lazy and too reliant on technology. Parents are stubborn and out of touch. Parents die. Youth become parents. The cycle begins anew. We’ve been doing this since someone decided to cook their food with fire rather than die of food poisoning, and so far we’re doing okay.

Technology isn’t ruining childhoods. Except for radio station Facebook pages. I think those might actually be messing people up.

Broken Physics

First, I’ve got to give credit where credit is due. That is a damn fine balanced hammer. Even I’m impressed and I normally I get all nervous when something is balanced precariously. Mind you my definition of “balanced precariously” is putting down a drinking glass within an inch of the edge of a table.

But as impressive and unsettling as this hammer is I think we all know it’s balanced right? No one’s like “Hey Jim-Bob,  come look at the internets. It gone done and broke physics!”

This could just be my mechanical engineering degree speaking but a balanced hammer seems like a pretty poor reason to “forget everything you know about physics”. If you see something on the internet that you don’t understand, doesn’t behave the way you think it should or appears to “break physics” there are really only two possibilities:

  1. It’s a trick. Either an optical illusion, Photoshop or some other form of wizard based treachery. In which case don’t forget everything you ever knew about physics. I understand you saw a video of David Blane floating in mid air but gravity still exists and cars will still mess you up.
  2. It’s real, which means that what you are looking at is physically possible. Let me say that again with emphasis: it is PHYSICally POSSIBLE. As in, PHYSICS says it is POSSIBLE. In which case maybe don’t forget everything you know about physics because it’s obviously explaining the shit out this right now.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that in 99.999% of cases where you want to explain how objects can do the things they’re doing you shouldn’t “forget everything you know about physics” and should probably “know more physics”. Realistically, clearing your brain of all knowledge about how the physical world functions is only useful if you’re Neo in the Matrix.

I’ll spare you all the detailed force diagrams explaining how all this works but if you want to see some well balanced stuff you can read the original article series of pictures that require far too many clicks to get through here.

 

Oh and if you want those detailed force diagrams I’ll totally nerd out for you.

Tomatoes and Cheese Graters

Over the last week a whole bunch of people have been posting that ridiculous legal notice to their Facebook wall so this week on Craig Fay Mocks Things You Post on Facebook I am obviously taking aim at…this post about tomatoes and cheese graters.

I’m all for kitchen tricks and time savers but this headline bothers me. “He Rubs a Raw Tomato Against a Cheese Grater. Now watch the bowl…” They’re stating the most mundane and boring thing possible as if something amazing and unexpected is going to happen. Like it’s a magic trick or something. “He puts the lady in a box. Now watch where he sticks the swords…”

If I were to rub a raw tomato on a cheese grater I would expect it to either grate or dice the tomato. Unless the bowl is going to disappear, catch on fire or turn into a dove and fly away I don’t need to be told to pay attention to it. If gravity does it’s job and the bowl doesn’t have a hole in it, I’m pretty sure the bowl will CATCH THE TOMATO.

I watched the video and turns out it PEELS the tomato. Admittedly, not what I expected but it still falls comfortably within the family of mechanically separating parts of the tomato from other parts of the tomato. And the bowl? As predicted, caught the tomato.  My mind has not exactly been blown.

Here’s what this video should be titled: Quick and Easy Way to Peel a Tomato. Done. Short, to the point, tells me what it’s about. You don’t need to describe what I’m about to see and then tell me where to look for the result. I’m a grown human capable of using a computer, I don’t need a prep course on how to process information.

“Oh, he’s rubbing the tomato on the cheese grater! Good thing they warned me this would happen or I’d be very confused right now. Wait. I think I was suppose to pay attention to something else…”

And THIS trick is going to make your family dinners a LOT better? Is mashing a tomato into a cheese grater going to calm those seething resentments that have been building between you and your spouse for years? Is your teenage daughter going to finally look up from her phone and give you the respect you deserve? I don’t think a tomato can do all that, no matter how closely you pay attention to that bowl.

 

Likes For Babies

Um, what?
Listen man, I don’t want to rain on your parade or anything. You seem like a nice guy and you obviously want to be a father real bad. I mean, you got a Sharpie and that big piece of bristol board. That takes dedication. But maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the best way to bring a life into the world.

Seriously, this is a human life we’re talking about. It’s a huge responsibility, a lifelong commitment and a sizable financial burden. Rather than leave this up to 50,000 strangers on Facebook perhaps this is something you should discuss with your wife.

Which brings me to my next point: Your wife doesn’t want a baby! I can’t believe I have to say this but here it goes: when you approach your spouse and say “Hey, I really would like to have a kid” and they LAUGH IN YOUR FACE and tell you they will only have a child with you if you accomplish something that they think is impossible, they don’t want a baby! Or at least not with you.

The fact that you had to have this explained to you is not a good sign. There are some serious red flags with your relationship here. Not only are you bad at listening but she’s obviously sarcastic and dismissive when discussing important issues. And of course there’s the whole thing where you’re trying to coerce and manipulate each other into make huge life altering decisions. If this is your dynamic I can only assume that she’s running a parrallel Twitter campaign where if she gets 10,000 retweets you’ll finally give her that vasectomy.

Please don’t have a baby. They’ll be doomed to grow up into the kind of person who likes this sort of thing on Facebook and 50,000 of those is already way too many.

National Short Girls Day

  
No it’s not. No one is celebrating this.

If it is, please feel free to show me the declaration by the government or a national organization or anything that isn’t a picture on Facebook. 
Good thing it happened to be National Short Girls day on the very day you stumbled across this picture and re-posted it. I mean it could have been any day since it’s not specifically stated as “Sept 10”, but the picture says “today” so it must be THIS day! Right? No way anything on the internet is more than a day old. If all you need is a dateless picture to believe it’s a “day” I’ve got some doozies that prove that today is Christmas, my birthday and the wedding anniversary of Julius Caesar and Billy the Kid.

Is this really something that requires a national day to recognize? Are we really suppose to, as a nation, contemplate the difficulties of being a girl who is at the lower end of normal human height distribution?

Aids, Women, Earth, Martin Luther King Jr and Short Girls? Do you seriously look at that list and think to yourself “all of these are equally worthy of the nations time”? “Oh no, when I kiss a tall guy he has to bend down.” What a tough hand to be dealt. Thank you for drawing attention to your struggle.

Stop it. Stop declaring things days because you want some day for your group to feel “special”. You want a day to feel special? That’s your birthday. And actually your not special on your birthday either. Feeling special on your birthday is for 8 year olds not adults like you who know what an actual accomplishment is.
It’s not a day. Stop trying to make it a day.

New Health Food Breakthrough: Mashing Two Apples Together

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” and who doesn’t want that? But imagine you were able to keep two doctors away? It would be twice as good! It may seem unrealistic but a recent discovery may actually make that possible.

Doctors, nutritionists and health researchers have long advocated increasing your intake of fresh fruits and vegetables. The benefits are clear. Not only are they low in fat, but they are nutritionally dense, providing a great natural source of many essential vitamins and minerals. The one drawback is that a single fruit, like an apple for example, contains only one fruits worth of nutrients, severely limiting their health effects. That is until now.

Researchers have found a way to nearly double the nutritional value of a regular grocery-store apple, by “mashing two apples together”.  This process created what scientists have deemed a “double-apple” or a “super-apple”, the benefits of which are nearly unbelievable.

Careful analysis showed that while mashing two apples together increased the amount of sugar and total calories by a factor of two, the amount of cancer fighting antioxidants went up nearly 200%.  If that weren’t good enough, the super-apple contained zero fat and cholesterol, while providing double the amount of Vitamin C, Vitamin A, and dietary fiber. To give you a sense of what a drastic increase this is, “double” is 2/3 of the way to “triple”.

Chart

You may think you need complex lab equipment or specialized training to garner the health benefits but it’s shockingly easy to prepare the double-apple at home. Follow these simple steps:

  1. Buy two (2) of your favourite apple at the local your local grocery store or farmer’s market.IMG_1479
  2. Place the first apple in the palm of your of your right hand like so:IMG_1481
  3. Wrap each of your fingers around the apple and apply light pressure. This is called “holding” an apple.IMG_1482
  4. Repeat “holding” the second apple with your left hand. Try not to let go of the apple in your right hand while doing it, or you’ll have to start over.

IMG_1484 Don't Drop

  1. “Holding” both apples slowly bring them together so they are touching.

IMG_1491

  1. Apply pressure to the apples by bringing your hands closer together. Gradually increase until you feel the apples “mush” together.

IMG_1502 IMG_1507

  1. Release the apples.

IMG_1512

  1. Place your newly formed super-apple on a plate. Garnish with bacon and serve.

IMG_1522

 

The initial research was conducted using apples but there is reason to expect it applies to other fruit as well.  It may even extend to vegetables. In theory you could mash together two grapes, two pears, two oranges or even two of those strange spiky fruits you always see at the bottom of click-bait articles.

Horned Melon

Why I’m Against that Thing You Saw on Facebook

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Picture of me looking thoughtful and serious

You’ve probably seen that Thing on Facebook by now. That Thing people are calling courageous, inspiring and important. You’d have to be living under a rock to have not seen it.
That last sentence was just a bit of humour designed to soften you for this bombshell: I’m against that Thing.

You’re probably thinking that the Thing is good and that I must be out of my mind to come out against it. It’s especially strange since I’m the very type of person you’d expect to support the stuff that the Thing is all about. Well I do support the stuff, in fact I consider myself to be a stuffist. So how is it that a self proclaimed stuffist would be against the Thing? This seemingly contradictory statement has you intrigued so you’ll read the next paragraph.

Here’s the problem: the Thing is not about stuff. Not real stuff anyway. Real stuff is defined using nouns, verbs and adjectives and has this specific goal. The Thing is all about different nouns, verbs and adjectives which when interpreted by me seem to support a goal very different than the specific goal of stuff. Here’s a thought experiment where I take the language of the Thing either very literally or very loosely- arbitrarily and without any consistency- while ignoring context or intent to arrive at my conclusion.

That conclusion is that the Thing is not stuff and therefore I am against the Thing. In fact in the interest of hyperbole I would have to say that the Thing is more harmful and dangerous to the stuff cause than the whole anti-stuff movement.

For those of you who saw the Thing and wanted to support stuff I can only hope that this article has reaffirmed your apathy towards it. After all, the issue of stuff is is complex and infuriatingly pedantic and probably should be left to bloggers who can argue about it online and won’t accomplish anything in the real world.

One final sentence of humour so I don’t come across as a shrill, contradictory and self important intellectual.

And snarky one-liner.

List of Isthmuses

In the future when someone asks me what accomplishment I am most proud of in comedy, it will be this post.

It's a List of Isthmuses

Read This and You’ll Never Drink Coke Again

You’ve probably heard about how Coke is absolutely awful for you and you should never drink it. How it’s acidic like ACID, that it can be used to de-grease engines and how it has this awful CHEMICAL reaction with milk because Coke is a CHEMICAL.

If you still need further convincing that you should NEVER drink Coke try this experiment at home. You’ll be completely disgusted.

Start with half a glass of Coke and add a couple of ice cubes. Now measure out 1 oz. of whiskey and pour it into the coke and wait.

IMG_1178

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Look! After about 5 minutes nearly HALF of the mixture is gone!

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Waiting another 5 minutes and now all the liquid is gone! The only thing that remains are the ice cubes. Disgusting.

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Repeating the experiment you’ll now find that the same amount of Coke now contains double the whiskey.

Once again not only does the mixture disappear again but the ice cubes have completely melted. That’s right, sitting in Coke has the same effect on ice as sitting in FIRE!

 

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But wait, it gets worse. After about an hour not only does the Coke keep disappearing, its started to ruin friendships by being unnecessarily argumentative.

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The Coke has is making the glass move around the counter and making you spill it all over the counter.  Coke is making it really hard to do SCIENCE RIGHT NOW!

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Wait a little longer and you’ll soon discover that the Coke has made your girlfriend lock herself in the bathroom crying.

 

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The Coke and the glass have now transformed completely into only a bottle of whisky.

 

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The Coke has now made you lose your shirt. You don’t know where it is, but fuck it, it’s more comfortable this way anyway.

 

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Now the Coke is making cars honk at you. Fuck those cars! You’re a PEDESTRIAN. You’re allowed to be in the STREET! You don’t give a fuck that your girlfriend locked you out the apartment, why should you care if some ASSHOLE in an a FUCKING JETTA is honking at you.

Jetta

The Coke has made the whiskey disappear. The bottle has been made completely empty by the Coke.

IMG_1243

What the fuck Coke? What did you do with my whiskey, you fucking chemical, garbage shit. I don’t need convincing not to drink you. YOU need convincing to give me my fucking whiskey back asshole.

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Now the Coke has spontaneously caused the empty whiskey bottle to SHATTER on the sidewalk.

broken_glass

And finally the Coke makes the police show up

stock-footage-shot-of-blurred-police-lights-on-top-of-a-patrol-car-at-night-pal-video

 

 

Disgusting! I don’t know what they’re putting in Coke to make it do all this but I sure as hell won’t be putting that GARBAGE in MY body.

You should do the same. Go to your fridge right now, dump out all your Coca Cola and do as I do. Drink your whiskey straight.

Your body will thank you.