Which Bond Villain is Elon Musk

Elon Musk’s eccentric and grandiose business ventures, like Tesla and SpaceX, have long drawn comparison to the over the top villains of the James Bond movies. His seemingly altruistic and benevolent motivations for these crazy ventures kept him in mostly in the public’s good graces. However, a recent string of bad press, including calling a British cave diver a “pedophile”, attacking journalists who are critical of him and, most recently, accusations that he tried to manipulate the stock price of Tesla, have heightened awareness that he may not be all that good. A transition to full blown Bond villain may not be that far away in which case it’s worth asking: If Elon Musk is a Bond villain, which one is he?
I looked at all 24 official James Bond movies and compared their baddies to the SpaceX and Tesla CEO to find the best fit. There were many contenders but only one winner. Read to the end to figure out which insane world domination scheme we’ll be facing at Elon Musk’s hands.

The Contenders

Dr. Julius No –  Dr. No

Dr. No was the first on-screen foe James Bond ever faced way back in 1962 and on the surface has a lot in common with Musk. Dr. No’s evil plot involved disrupting the US space program from an island guarded by a dragon which turned out to be a flame throwing tractor. Yes, a tractor. With a flamethrower. We’ve come a long way since 1962.

As founder of SpaceX, Musk himself is seeking to disrupt the US space industry. Granted his “disruption” is to drastically reduce the costs of getting to space by designing, building and launching reusable rockets where Dr. No’s “disruption” involved shooting down rockets with nuclear powered radio beams. Undercutting existing aerospace companies or blowing up Mercury astronaut John Glenn – potato-potato disruption is disruption.

And lets not forget that flame throwing tractor.  Musk sold 20,000 flamethrowers to raise money for his Boring Company. Strap one of those on a Tesla and you’ve got a much improved, and environmentally friendly flame throwing tractor. Well, environmentally friendly except for all that burning napalm. And while we’re on the subject we should mention that SpaceX’s crew capsule is named “Dragon”.

Involvement in the space industry and affinity for flamethrowers are where the similarities end. As previously mentioned Musk’s goal seems to be to GET people to space rather than stopping them and he also doesn’t have Dr. No’s trademark metal hands and good thing too. He’ll find his flesh and bone hands quite helpful should Sean Connery ever knock him into an open nuclear reactor.

Francisco Scaramanga – The Man With The Golden Gun

Scaramanga, the titular man with the golden gun is the world’s most deadly assassin and he’s out to get James Bond in one of the worst received Bond movies of the franchise. The plot also involves Scaramanga stealing the “Solex Agitator”, a critical component of a solar power station that will solve the 1970s energy crisis. Musk certainly has been involved with solar energy through the Tesla subsidiary Solar City – which installs solar panels and will soon be producing solar shingles, while Tesla batteries are solving an energy crisis in Australia by storing and regulating excess renewable electricity.

Where Scaramanga had it out for a British secret service agent, James Bond, Musk apparently has it out for the British cave diver, Vernon Unsworth, who insulted his submarine. Given that Scaramanga got shot by Roger Moore in a funhouse after challenging him to a duel and that Musk will probably be sued for calling Vernon Unsworth a pedophile both of them should learn to pick their battles.

That said, as a designer of both cars and rockets, Musk probably knows enough about metallurgy to know that a golden gun, with golden bullets is incredibly impractical, not to mention easily traceable. (Gee, I wonder who is responsible for assassinating this person with a golden bullet? Maybe the man with the golden gun? The perfectly inconspicuous, one of a kind, GOLDEN GUN?).

On top of that I haven’t heard anything about him having a third nipple – the mysterious Scaramanaga’s only known physical feature. You read that correctly. A third nipple is a major plot point in a James Bond movie. I am not making that up. Now go back to the top of this section and appreciate my use of the word “titular” to describe a villain with three nipples. You’re welcome.

Max Zorin – A View to a Kill

The main bad guy from A View to a Kill, Zorin’s scheme involved setting off explosives deep underground on the San Andreas fault triggering an earthquake. The flooding caused by the earthquake would submerge Silicon Valley and give Zorin a monopoly in the microchip industry. At least until someone else could, you know, rebuild a factory somewhere else. Oh and there is also a bunch of stuff in there about giving steroids to horses.

Listen, I could sit here and argue that Musk is digging tunnels deep underground with The Boring Company, or that he’s been involved with Silicon Valley with companies like Zip2 and PayPal but the real reason is that Max Zorin – played by the incomparable Christoper Walken- bears more than a striking resemblance to Musk.

Bleach his hair and throw him in some 1980s aviators and you wouldn’t know the difference. And if you’ve ever seen Musk at a press conference you’ll know that he speaks in a very stuttering, awkwardly paced and yet compelling manner somewhat reminiscent of Walken’s trademark cadence.

Add all that up and you have to admit the resemblance is good enough that, if Musk isn’t careful, could get him thrown off the Golden Gate Bridge by a geriatric Roger Moore.

Ernst Blofeld – You Only Live Twice, On Her Majesties Secret Service, Diamonds are Forever, SPECTRE

It’s almost cheating. Whereas all the other villains on this list had just one movie to prove their similarity, James Bond’s arch-nemesis has had multiple chances.
Blofeld is the mastermind behind SPECTRE (SPecail Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion – something tells me they came up with the acronym first and what it stood for second) the evil organization behind most of the early Bond plots.

Musk is no stranger to evil organizations, having donated to the re-election campaigns of climate change denying Republicans and sat on an advisory panel for President Donald Trump. In fairness Musk has contributed to both US political parties and resigned from Trump’s advisory panel to protest America leaving the Paris Agreement. Really the most you can accuse him of is playing both sides in a world filled with evil organizations.

As for similarities with Blofeld’s specific evil plots we start off strong:  In You Only Live Twice Blofeld hijacks US and Soviet spacecraft in order to start a war. The scheme involved the vertical take off and landing or a rocket inside a hidden volcano base. An impressive feat for 1967 considering Elon Musk only accomplished this in 2015 with the first stage of SpaceX’s Falcon 9 though he lands his rockets back on land or on a barge which is nowhere as cool the inside of a volcano. Far from using this technology to hijack American space craft, the Falcon 9 is one of the space craft the US depends on to resupply the International Space Station.

In On Her Majesties Secret Service Blofeld aims to destroy the world’s agriculture using hypnotized super-models to distribute bacteriological warfare agents around the world. Musk has had romantic relationships with many beautiful and successful women such as English actress Talulah Riley, American actress Amber Heard and most recently Canadian musician Grimes. The “bacteriological warfare” thing falls a bit flat though. Maybe he didn’t complete the full schedule of antibiotics his doctor prescribed for a sinus infection? Leading to an increased risk of antibiotic resistant infections in the general population? Let’s move on.

In Diamonds are Forever Blofeld smuggles diamonds from Africa in order to build a diamond powered space laser. And uh, Musk is originally from South Africa -which is decidedly in Africa- and hey, space again so… Okay, the particular plots stop lining up. I’m not even going to get to SPECTRE which is just bad.

In the end Musk stacks up a bit short against the greatest Bond villain of all time. Sure both Musk and Blofeld have had dealings with shady organizations and are involved with space stuff from time to time but Blofeld has had too many crazy plots that don’t quite line up with what Musk is doing. Plus I’ve never seen Elon Musk petting a white cat. Oh wait. Never mind. Thanks Google.


The Winner

Hugo Drax – Moonraker

Of all the space minded Bond villains this guy is the spaciest. Hugo Drax is the billionaire owner of Drax Industries which builds the Moonraker space shuttles for NASA and who plans on creating a new genetically perfect race of humans in space after wiping out the rest of humanity with nerve gas.

By comparison Musks’ stated goal of SpaceX is to turn humanity into an interplanetary species establishing a colony in space within the next 20 years. That’s Drax’s plan almost EXACTLY. I didn’t even have to fudge this one.  Okay so maybe he is a little behind in the nerve-gas-induced-eugenics field but keep in mind Hugo Drax didn’t have an electric car company to run. We all have different hobbies and only so many hours in the day. Don’t let that distract you from the long list of other similarities:

1. Billionaire Industrialist? Check!

2. Builds space ships for NASA? Check. While Drax builds the Moonraker space shuttles, Musk builds the reusable Falcon 9 rocket.

3. Head of a company with “X” in it’s name? Check. SpaceX and Drax industries. Who doesn’t love a futuristic sounding “X”?

4. Exact same number of letters in both their first and last names? Check! Hugo Drax, Elon Musk.  There’s probably even some anagram stuff with those names I’m too lazy to figure out.

It’s somewhat fitting that the worlds most ludicrously eccentric billionaires has the most in common with the villain from the most ludicrous James Bond movies. And while Elon Musk hasn’t gone full Bond villain yet, I think we can all agree that when he does he’ll nerve gas us all from orbit while hanging out with a metal-jawed side kick.

Honourable Mentions

LeChiffe – Casino Royale

I can’t say Elon Musk looks like 1985 Christopher Walken while ignoring the even more striking resemblance between him and Mads Mikkelson who portrayed LeChiffe in Casino Royale. Honestly if you needed to cast someone for the role of evil Elon Musk and Mikkelson wasn’t available just shut down production. There would be no one better. Sadly LeChiffe’s plot to win a poker game to finance terrorism is a little too low stakes for a man who bet billions on reinventing both the automotive and aerospace industries.

Alec Trevelyan – Goldeneye

Alec Trevelyan, played by the perpetually killed-off Sean Bean, happens to be my favourite Bond villain from my personal favourite Bond movie. I could relate Trevelyan’s convoluted plan of stealing a helicopter, to steal a satellite, to steal money by hacking the Bank of England to Elon Musk’s involvement with online payment company PayPal but it would be a stretch. That said, if Pierce Brosnan ever drops Musk off the top of a satellite dish I’ll happily revisit the matter.

Karl Stromberg – The Spy Who Loved Me

Karl Stromberg from the Spy Who Loved Me deserves an honourable mention only because of Musk’s recent foray into the submarine business. While Stromberg hijacked nuclear submarines in order to start a nuclear war so he could start a new, perfect society under the ocean, Musk built a tiny submarine to try and save children from a flooded cave in Thailand- albeit while ignoring expert search and rescue cave divers who said it wouldn’t work and wasn’t needed. Really the only other thing they have in common is that Musk repurposed rocket parts to build his submarine while the producers later repurposed the entire plot of Spy Who Loved Me for Bond’s next film, Moonraker. They made two of the same movies, back to back but substituted space shuttles for submarines. They even reused the same henchmen. There I said it. Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker are the same movie. Finally, an excuse to get that one off my chest.

9 Habits of Highly Successful People Who Still Live at Home

Over the last few months I’ve been lucky enough to interview some of the worlds most accomplished people who still live at home and ask them about what they’ve done to achieve such remarkable levels of professional and personal success. Their answers had a lot in common which I have boiled down to these nine habits that you can incorporate into your own life.

1. They eliminate distractions

Highly successful people are disciplined and focused. They keep their workspaces free from clutter and highly organized so they can focus on doing work rather than searching for things. The traffic light is only red for so long so it’s vitally important that their CD wallet is always within arms reach and that their Discman-to-cassette adapter is plugged in and ready to go. When you’ve got to get there in 30 minutes or less you don’t want to waste any time getting that Megadeth CD blaring over the stereo of your ’98 Geo Metro.

2. They outsource mundane tasks

You’re probably unaware of it but a lot of time is wasted on menial tasks. Highly successful people are always aware of where their time is going which is why they outsource day-to-day tasks like cooking, cleaning and laundry to their mothers. After all, she’s doing a load so the net impact of the 3 – 4 baskets of laundry they’ve accumulated in their basement bedroom will be negligible. They’re making use of what experts call economy of scale. They know there is no benefit in learning skills that others have already mastered. They’ll probably just screw it up so it’s better to let her do it.

3. They make time for themselves

Whether it’s spending hours online looking for bad-ass swords to add to their collection or watching as they feed live mice to their pet snake “David Boa”, they know its important to have hobbies that allow you to unwind and de-stress.

4. They wake up early

Surveys show that most successful people get up before noon. If their work day starts at 4PM, they will have eaten a couple Pop-Tarts; smoked some pot; watched the Price Is Right and two re-runs of “Who’s the Boss” and rubbed one out all before they arrive half an hour late to their job.

5. They dress for success

Nothing says “tip the delivery guy” like a dragon print bowling shirt and a freshly un-crumpled set of cargo shorts. Highly successful people know you only get one chance at a first impression so it’s important to let people know how much they love Slayer when choosing their wardrobe. If you haven’t already, invest in a good pair of black Crocs that can go with any outfit. But what do successful people consider the most important style tip? Ponytails. Goatees and Ponytails.

6. They’re constantly networking

You can’t say “a buddy and me are thinking about maybe opening a vape shop” without a robust pool of acquaintances.  Successful people dedicate a couple of hours each day to like and comment on the Facebook profiles of people they met in middle school.  They know that a lot of those people may have continued to be socially active and may have continued to make new friends. That’s why successful people don’t shy away from self promotion and letting everyone know they still exist and are awesome for having never left their home town.

7. They travel

It’s important to open yourself up to new experiences and see the world from different perspectives. This is why the most successful people will sometimes go to the other McDonalds. Not the good one, but the one across town that’s managed by that cross eyed chick they went to high school with who gives them extra fries cause she probably wants to bang them. It can be eye opening to see a place that at first seems so familiar but in actuality has the drive-through on the other side of the building.

8. They aren’t afraid to say no

It’s easy to commit yourself to too much as we often feel guilty turning people down. But whether it’s paying back their student loans from that one semester of community college they flunked out of, or helping their mother with some chores because “it’s time you started pulling your weight around here”, if they’re not passionate about it they’re not afraid to say no. They dedicate their time and energy to projects they truly care about.

9. They know how to take criticism

Successful people know what they’re setting out to accomplish and don’t listen to naysayers. They know that comments like “You know your uncle Jarod is struggling with his kidney thing and needs a lot of help. I’m over there almost every day and really need you to step up” or “You’re late again! How many times do we have to have this conversation? This is coming out of your pay.” come from jealous people who resent them for having the courage to succeed.  They ignore those people and focus on constructive criticism like “Dude, I bet we could get real good at MMA if we wanted!” or “Whatever, that cross eyed chick is probably a lesbian anyway.”

Comprehensive List of Professions that Saw Star Wars

The Force Awakens shattered box office records this weekend, as millions flocked to the theater to see the latest installment of the sci-fi adventure set in a galaxy far far away. But if you needed any more proof that Star Wars isn’t just for nerds anymore take a look at this comprehensive list of audience member’s professions that show how Star Wars fans come from all walks of life:

  • Accountant
  • Lawyer
  • Barista
  • Massage Therapist
  • Executive Assistant
  • Assistant to the Executive Assistant
  • Executive Assistant to the Executive Assistant
  • Executive Being Assisted
  • Villain
  • Super Villain
  • Super Accountant
  • Accountant (No Such thing as a Super Accountant)
  • Swarthy Millionaire
  • Swarthy Billionaire
  • Chimpanzee Wrangler
  • Chimpanzee (Wrangled)
  • Chimpanzee (Un-wrangled)
  • Doctor (Philosophy)
  • Doctor (Sociology)
  • Doctor (English Literature)
  • Doctor (Real)
  • Ed Gein Enthusiast
  • Software Engineer
  • Architect
  • Josh
  • Hunter (Deer)
  • Hunter (Rabbit)
  • Hunter (Most Dangerous Game)
  • Seeker (Harry Potter)
  • Seeker (Waldo)
  • Mechanic (automobile)
  • Mechanic (Aircraft)
  • Mechanic (Horse)
  • Customer Service Representative
  • Sales
  • Technical Support Specialist
  • Special Support Technician
  • Dentist (Colgate)
  • Dentist (Colgate)
  • Dentist (Colgate)
  • Dentist (Colgate)
  • Dentist (Needlessly Contrarian)
  • Student
  • Unemployed
  • Doctor (butt stuff)
  • Butcher
  • Baker
  • Candlestick Maker
  • Mathematician
  • Mathemagician
  • Still Don’t know what I do around here
  • Movie Theatre Projectionists (obviously)
  • President of the United States of America
  • Man Hired by JJ Abrams to Make Sure George Lucas Doesn’t get anywhere near Star Wars.
  • Not George Lucas
  • George Lucas Lookalike
  • Professional Speed Dater
  • Professional Speed Dealer
  • Killer
  • Serial Killer
  • Killer from “Serial”
  • Vet (military)
  • Vet (animal doctor)
  • IT (Information Technology)
  • IT (tag)
  • Police Officer (June)
  • Firefighter (September)
  • Paramedic (February)
  • Pet and Restaurant Licensing Clerk (November)
  • Photographer for “Sexy Men of Lincoln County Civil Service” 2016 Calendar
  • Mathemagician (butt stuff)
  • Oracle of Delphi
  • Retired
  • Cheeseman (maker)
  • Cheeseman (made of)
  • One of a thousand hot girls in your area waiting to chat if you sign up now.






Nicki Minaj vs Led Zeppelin and Apples vs Oranges

Congratulations on your ability to compare apples to oranges.

Ever think that maybe, just maybe the fact that they are songs from different genres is important? Like maybe the sorts of things that make a good Rock song, like lyrical complexity, are not the same things that make a good Hip Hop song? Maybe a good Hip Hop song has a lot of repetition because you’re suppose to DANCE to it.

And don’t kid yourself into thinking that all songs from 1975 were poetic and deep. Here’s a sample of lyrics from chart toppers KC and the Sunshine Band:

That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do

Oh, that’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Real deep stuff there.

Now I must confess I am not a big Led Zeppelin fan. I don’t know much about them so I had to Google those lyrics to figure out what song it was. And it turns out that song is called “Thank You” which you can easily confirm was released in 1969. Not 1975. I mean, maybe they played it in concert in 1975 but you can’t really argue that was a great year for music when your example isn’t even from that decade.

We can’t even trust memes now? Whats the world coming to?

I see this sort of thing on Facebook somewhat frequently. To the point where I saw it this time and was actually excited because I finally got to take it to task. But I find it’s normally shared by one type of person: People born in the 80s who proclaim that theres been no good music since 70s rock.

The only people who can claim “no good music has been made since the 70s” are people who were teenagers in the 70’s. And they can claim that because they were teenagers in the 70s just like people who were teenagers in the 60s, 80s, 90s can claim that their music was the best because it happened to be on the radio while they were going through puberty and had nothing better to do than listen.

Most songs from most decades are bad, with a few exceptions. When I was in high school the Spice Girls were not considered “good music” but almost everyone my age knows the lyrics to “If You Wanna Be My Lover” and will gleefully sing them on the dance floor at weddings. The song didn’t get better, it got nostalgic. That’s all.

If you were born in the 80s and think nothing is better than 70s rock, it’s because that’s the music your parents were listening to when they were driving you around in a car seat, and you never bothered to branch out. For the record, liking something because it’s what your parents do has got to be the least Rock and Roll thing possible.

Things are different. People are different. People like different things, and nothing is as good as you remember it. So please stop trying to pretend like your particular tastes make you better than everyone else.

Advertising Toilet Paper

There are really only two reasons you would like or share this photo:

  1. You are a child and laugh at any mention of toilet paper, toilets or anything to do with bodily functions. In which case, whatever. We were all eight at one point. It’s a phase you’ll get over it.
  2. You are an adult  who has absolutely no idea how capitalism works.

I don’t expect you to have a PhD in economics or anything but you have got to know that there is more than one company that sells toilet paper. There is no state-run monolithic Toilet Paper Company. On the most basic level this is why we fought the Cold War. We nearly nuked Cuba into a smouldering pit in the middle of the ocean all in defence of having entire aisles dedicated to an insanely overwhelming selection of toilet paper. (Editors note: We fought Korea for the cereal aisle, and Vietnam was all about the right to hold Tupperware parties). It’s pretty common knowledge. I’d put good money on school kids being able to name more brands of toilet paper than US Presidents. Then you come along “OMG! LOL! SO TRUE! SHARE, SHARE, SHARE. LIKE LIKE LIKE. What a waste of money! Why are they advertising a product everyone uses?!?!”

Well, if you pay really close attention you’ll notice that toilet paper companies don’t spend a lot of time convincing you to USE toilet paper. They don’t go on TV and say,”Hey you, if you’re not wiping your butt with cellulose from a tree after you poop you’re a horrible, unsanitary, monster.”

They’re not even saying, “Hey, we’re the only company who makes this stuff. Believe me, we’d rather be doing something else too but it’s our duty to society so buy it and don’t be horrible, unsanitary, monster.”

No, most of the advertising for toilet paper says something like “Hey, we know you’re going to use this anyway but boy, oh boy it sure would be swell if you bought it from us. You see, we’re different from those other toilet paper companies. We’ve got waves and ripples,  pleats and troughs, grooves and contours, thick and plump rolls full of  double the absorbent and clean sheets. So buy our toilet paper otherwise you’re a horrible, unsanitary, monster.” You’re asking why there are commercials when they’re literally explaining why in their commercials.

Perhaps the simplest explanation as to why they advertise toilet paper is that there are people who will share this picture so there are people out there so obviously clueless about how things actually are that maybe they do need to be told to use toilet paper.

Technology Free Childhood

Hey, here’s a fun internet trick: In the Facebook search bar type “Rock” “Country” or “Hits” followed by a number between 88 and 108 and you’ll have instant access to all the share-bait you could ever want. I don’t know why radio stations have become the default repository of pixelated JPEGS of moderately amusing things, but the trend is undeniable.  Years from now internet archeologists will stumble upon these pages and wonder what any of it had to do with “music”.

This particular one is brought to you by Rock 103, who provide an emphatic “yup” in support of “I’m so thankful I had a childhood before technology took over”. Really? You had a childhood before there was technology?

What technology was that? Did you mean Facebook?  iPhones? The internet?

Or did you mean television, radio, airplanes, antibiotics, electricity, the cotton gin, pasteurized milk, the steam engine, iron ploughs, the ox cart, written language, bronze tools, waterwheels, agriculture, domestication of animals, stone cutting tools, or one of those long sticks used to poke termite nests?

Seriously, don’t even get me started on termite poking sticks. Used to be you’d have to dig up those nests by hand, get your nails all dirty while you frantically shoved the juiciest of those maggot-like ants into your mouth. Kids today! Amiright?

And while growing up without technology puts you in the very enviable position of being “The Ancient One”, walking the earth for millennia, witnessing the rise and fall of countless civilizations, and to whom a human lifespan is but a fleeting moment quickly lost in the ever expanding ocean of time,  it has not taught you that things change.

Every generation for all of human history has had new technology that corrupts youth, destroys society and distracts us from whats really important. Youth are lazy and too reliant on technology. Parents are stubborn and out of touch. Parents die. Youth become parents. The cycle begins anew. We’ve been doing this since someone decided to cook their food with fire rather than die of food poisoning, and so far we’re doing okay.

Technology isn’t ruining childhoods. Except for radio station Facebook pages. I think those might actually be messing people up.

Broken Physics

First, I’ve got to give credit where credit is due. That is a damn fine balanced hammer. Even I’m impressed and I normally I get all nervous when something is balanced precariously. Mind you my definition of “balanced precariously” is putting down a drinking glass within an inch of the edge of a table.

But as impressive and unsettling as this hammer is I think we all know it’s balanced right? No one’s like “Hey Jim-Bob,  come look at the internets. It gone done and broke physics!”

This could just be my mechanical engineering degree speaking but a balanced hammer seems like a pretty poor reason to “forget everything you know about physics”. If you see something on the internet that you don’t understand, doesn’t behave the way you think it should or appears to “break physics” there are really only two possibilities:

  1. It’s a trick. Either an optical illusion, Photoshop or some other form of wizard based treachery. In which case don’t forget everything you ever knew about physics. I understand you saw a video of David Blane floating in mid air but gravity still exists and cars will still mess you up.
  2. It’s real, which means that what you are looking at is physically possible. Let me say that again with emphasis: it is PHYSICally POSSIBLE. As in, PHYSICS says it is POSSIBLE. In which case maybe don’t forget everything you know about physics because it’s obviously explaining the shit out this right now.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that in 99.999% of cases where you want to explain how objects can do the things they’re doing you shouldn’t “forget everything you know about physics” and should probably “know more physics”. Realistically, clearing your brain of all knowledge about how the physical world functions is only useful if you’re Neo in the Matrix.

I’ll spare you all the detailed force diagrams explaining how all this works but if you want to see some well balanced stuff you can read the original article series of pictures that require far too many clicks to get through here.


Oh and if you want those detailed force diagrams I’ll totally nerd out for you.

Tomatoes and Cheese Graters

Over the last week a whole bunch of people have been posting that ridiculous legal notice to their Facebook wall so this week on Craig Fay Mocks Things You Post on Facebook I am obviously taking aim at…this post about tomatoes and cheese graters.

I’m all for kitchen tricks and time savers but this headline bothers me. “He Rubs a Raw Tomato Against a Cheese Grater. Now watch the bowl…” They’re stating the most mundane and boring thing possible as if something amazing and unexpected is going to happen. Like it’s a magic trick or something. “He puts the lady in a box. Now watch where he sticks the swords…”

If I were to rub a raw tomato on a cheese grater I would expect it to either grate or dice the tomato. Unless the bowl is going to disappear, catch on fire or turn into a dove and fly away I don’t need to be told to pay attention to it. If gravity does it’s job and the bowl doesn’t have a hole in it, I’m pretty sure the bowl will CATCH THE TOMATO.

I watched the video and turns out it PEELS the tomato. Admittedly, not what I expected but it still falls comfortably within the family of mechanically separating parts of the tomato from other parts of the tomato. And the bowl? As predicted, caught the tomato.  My mind has not exactly been blown.

Here’s what this video should be titled: Quick and Easy Way to Peel a Tomato. Done. Short, to the point, tells me what it’s about. You don’t need to describe what I’m about to see and then tell me where to look for the result. I’m a grown human capable of using a computer, I don’t need a prep course on how to process information.

“Oh, he’s rubbing the tomato on the cheese grater! Good thing they warned me this would happen or I’d be very confused right now. Wait. I think I was suppose to pay attention to something else…”

And THIS trick is going to make your family dinners a LOT better? Is mashing a tomato into a cheese grater going to calm those seething resentments that have been building between you and your spouse for years? Is your teenage daughter going to finally look up from her phone and give you the respect you deserve? I don’t think a tomato can do all that, no matter how closely you pay attention to that bowl.


Likes For Babies

Um, what?
Listen man, I don’t want to rain on your parade or anything. You seem like a nice guy and you obviously want to be a father real bad. I mean, you got a Sharpie and that big piece of bristol board. That takes dedication. But maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the best way to bring a life into the world.

Seriously, this is a human life we’re talking about. It’s a huge responsibility, a lifelong commitment and a sizable financial burden. Rather than leave this up to 50,000 strangers on Facebook perhaps this is something you should discuss with your wife.

Which brings me to my next point: Your wife doesn’t want a baby! I can’t believe I have to say this but here it goes: when you approach your spouse and say “Hey, I really would like to have a kid” and they LAUGH IN YOUR FACE and tell you they will only have a child with you if you accomplish something that they think is impossible, they don’t want a baby! Or at least not with you.

The fact that you had to have this explained to you is not a good sign. There are some serious red flags with your relationship here. Not only are you bad at listening but she’s obviously sarcastic and dismissive when discussing important issues. And of course there’s the whole thing where you’re trying to coerce and manipulate each other into make huge life altering decisions. If this is your dynamic I can only assume that she’s running a parrallel Twitter campaign where if she gets 10,000 retweets you’ll finally give her that vasectomy.

Please don’t have a baby. They’ll be doomed to grow up into the kind of person who likes this sort of thing on Facebook and 50,000 of those is already way too many.

National Short Girls Day

No it’s not. No one is celebrating this.

If it is, please feel free to show me the declaration by the government or a national organization or anything that isn’t a picture on Facebook. 
Good thing it happened to be National Short Girls day on the very day you stumbled across this picture and re-posted it. I mean it could have been any day since it’s not specifically stated as “Sept 10”, but the picture says “today” so it must be THIS day! Right? No way anything on the internet is more than a day old. If all you need is a dateless picture to believe it’s a “day” I’ve got some doozies that prove that today is Christmas, my birthday and the wedding anniversary of Julius Caesar and Billy the Kid.

Is this really something that requires a national day to recognize? Are we really suppose to, as a nation, contemplate the difficulties of being a girl who is at the lower end of normal human height distribution?

Aids, Women, Earth, Martin Luther King Jr and Short Girls? Do you seriously look at that list and think to yourself “all of these are equally worthy of the nations time”? “Oh no, when I kiss a tall guy he has to bend down.” What a tough hand to be dealt. Thank you for drawing attention to your struggle.

Stop it. Stop declaring things days because you want some day for your group to feel “special”. You want a day to feel special? That’s your birthday. And actually your not special on your birthday either. Feeling special on your birthday is for 8 year olds not adults like you who know what an actual accomplishment is.
It’s not a day. Stop trying to make it a day.

New Health Food Breakthrough: Mashing Two Apples Together

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” and who doesn’t want that? But imagine you were able to keep two doctors away? It would be twice as good! It may seem unrealistic but a recent discovery may actually make that possible.

Doctors, nutritionists and health researchers have long advocated increasing your intake of fresh fruits and vegetables. The benefits are clear. Not only are they low in fat, but they are nutritionally dense, providing a great natural source of many essential vitamins and minerals. The one drawback is that a single fruit, like an apple for example, contains only one fruits worth of nutrients, severely limiting their health effects. That is until now.

Researchers have found a way to nearly double the nutritional value of a regular grocery-store apple, by “mashing two apples together”.  This process created what scientists have deemed a “double-apple” or a “super-apple”, the benefits of which are nearly unbelievable.

Careful analysis showed that while mashing two apples together increased the amount of sugar and total calories by a factor of two, the amount of cancer fighting antioxidants went up nearly 200%.  If that weren’t good enough, the super-apple contained zero fat and cholesterol, while providing double the amount of Vitamin C, Vitamin A, and dietary fiber. To give you a sense of what a drastic increase this is, “double” is 2/3 of the way to “triple”.


You may think you need complex lab equipment or specialized training to garner the health benefits but it’s shockingly easy to prepare the double-apple at home. Follow these simple steps:

  1. Buy two (2) of your favourite apple at the local your local grocery store or farmer’s market.IMG_1479
  2. Place the first apple in the palm of your of your right hand like so:IMG_1481
  3. Wrap each of your fingers around the apple and apply light pressure. This is called “holding” an apple.IMG_1482
  4. Repeat “holding” the second apple with your left hand. Try not to let go of the apple in your right hand while doing it, or you’ll have to start over.

IMG_1484 Don't Drop

  1. “Holding” both apples slowly bring them together so they are touching.


  1. Apply pressure to the apples by bringing your hands closer together. Gradually increase until you feel the apples “mush” together.

IMG_1502 IMG_1507

  1. Release the apples.


  1. Place your newly formed super-apple on a plate. Garnish with bacon and serve.



The initial research was conducted using apples but there is reason to expect it applies to other fruit as well.  It may even extend to vegetables. In theory you could mash together two grapes, two pears, two oranges or even two of those strange spiky fruits you always see at the bottom of click-bait articles.

Horned Melon

Why I’m Against that Thing You Saw on Facebook

Picture of me looking thoughtful and serious

You’ve probably seen that Thing on Facebook by now. That Thing people are calling courageous, inspiring and important. You’d have to be living under a rock to have not seen it.
That last sentence was just a bit of humour designed to soften you for this bombshell: I’m against that Thing.

You’re probably thinking that the Thing is good and that I must be out of my mind to come out against it. It’s especially strange since I’m the very type of person you’d expect to support the stuff that the Thing is all about. Well I do support the stuff, in fact I consider myself to be a stuffist. So how is it that a self proclaimed stuffist would be against the Thing? This seemingly contradictory statement has you intrigued so you’ll read the next paragraph.

Here’s the problem: the Thing is not about stuff. Not real stuff anyway. Real stuff is defined using nouns, verbs and adjectives and has this specific goal. The Thing is all about different nouns, verbs and adjectives which when interpreted by me seem to support a goal very different than the specific goal of stuff. Here’s a thought experiment where I take the language of the Thing either very literally or very loosely- arbitrarily and without any consistency- while ignoring context or intent to arrive at my conclusion.

That conclusion is that the Thing is not stuff and therefore I am against the Thing. In fact in the interest of hyperbole I would have to say that the Thing is more harmful and dangerous to the stuff cause than the whole anti-stuff movement.

For those of you who saw the Thing and wanted to support stuff I can only hope that this article has reaffirmed your apathy towards it. After all, the issue of stuff is is complex and infuriatingly pedantic and probably should be left to bloggers who can argue about it online and won’t accomplish anything in the real world.

One final sentence of humour so I don’t come across as a shrill, contradictory and self important intellectual.

And snarky one-liner.