Posts Tagged

mock

Advertising Toilet Paper

There are really only two reasons you would like or share this photo:

  1. You are a child and laugh at any mention of toilet paper, toilets or anything to do with bodily functions. In which case, whatever. We were all eight at one point. It’s a phase you’ll get over it.
  2. You are an adult  who has absolutely no idea how capitalism works.

I don’t expect you to have a PhD in economics or anything but you have got to know that there is more than one company that sells toilet paper. There is no state-run monolithic Toilet Paper Company. On the most basic level this is why we fought the Cold War. We nearly nuked Cuba into a smouldering pit in the middle of the ocean all in defence of having entire aisles dedicated to an insanely overwhelming selection of toilet paper. (Editors note: We fought Korea for the cereal aisle, and Vietnam was all about the right to hold Tupperware parties). It’s pretty common knowledge. I’d put good money on school kids being able to name more brands of toilet paper than US Presidents. Then you come along “OMG! LOL! SO TRUE! SHARE, SHARE, SHARE. LIKE LIKE LIKE. What a waste of money! Why are they advertising a product everyone uses?!?!”

Well, if you pay really close attention you’ll notice that toilet paper companies don’t spend a lot of time convincing you to USE toilet paper. They don’t go on TV and say,”Hey you, if you’re not wiping your butt with cellulose from a tree after you poop you’re a horrible, unsanitary, monster.”

They’re not even saying, “Hey, we’re the only company who makes this stuff. Believe me, we’d rather be doing something else too but it’s our duty to society so buy it and don’t be horrible, unsanitary, monster.”

No, most of the advertising for toilet paper says something like “Hey, we know you’re going to use this anyway but boy, oh boy it sure would be swell if you bought it from us. You see, we’re different from those other toilet paper companies. We’ve got waves and ripples,  pleats and troughs, grooves and contours, thick and plump rolls full of  double the absorbent and clean sheets. So buy our toilet paper otherwise you’re a horrible, unsanitary, monster.” You’re asking why there are commercials when they’re literally explaining why in their commercials.

Perhaps the simplest explanation as to why they advertise toilet paper is that there are people who will share this picture so there are people out there so obviously clueless about how things actually are that maybe they do need to be told to use toilet paper.

Technology Free Childhood

Hey, here’s a fun internet trick: In the Facebook search bar type “Rock” “Country” or “Hits” followed by a number between 88 and 108 and you’ll have instant access to all the share-bait you could ever want. I don’t know why radio stations have become the default repository of pixelated JPEGS of moderately amusing things, but the trend is undeniable.  Years from now internet archeologists will stumble upon these pages and wonder what any of it had to do with “music”.

This particular one is brought to you by Rock 103, who provide an emphatic “yup” in support of “I’m so thankful I had a childhood before technology took over”. Really? You had a childhood before there was technology?

What technology was that? Did you mean Facebook?  iPhones? The internet?

Or did you mean television, radio, airplanes, antibiotics, electricity, the cotton gin, pasteurized milk, the steam engine, iron ploughs, the ox cart, written language, bronze tools, waterwheels, agriculture, domestication of animals, stone cutting tools, or one of those long sticks used to poke termite nests?

Seriously, don’t even get me started on termite poking sticks. Used to be you’d have to dig up those nests by hand, get your nails all dirty while you frantically shoved the juiciest of those maggot-like ants into your mouth. Kids today! Amiright?

And while growing up without technology puts you in the very enviable position of being “The Ancient One”, walking the earth for millennia, witnessing the rise and fall of countless civilizations, and to whom a human lifespan is but a fleeting moment quickly lost in the ever expanding ocean of time,  it has not taught you that things change.

Every generation for all of human history has had new technology that corrupts youth, destroys society and distracts us from whats really important. Youth are lazy and too reliant on technology. Parents are stubborn and out of touch. Parents die. Youth become parents. The cycle begins anew. We’ve been doing this since someone decided to cook their food with fire rather than die of food poisoning, and so far we’re doing okay.

Technology isn’t ruining childhoods. Except for radio station Facebook pages. I think those might actually be messing people up.

Tomatoes and Cheese Graters

Over the last week a whole bunch of people have been posting that ridiculous legal notice to their Facebook wall so this week on Craig Fay Mocks Things You Post on Facebook I am obviously taking aim at…this post about tomatoes and cheese graters.

I’m all for kitchen tricks and time savers but this headline bothers me. “He Rubs a Raw Tomato Against a Cheese Grater. Now watch the bowl…” They’re stating the most mundane and boring thing possible as if something amazing and unexpected is going to happen. Like it’s a magic trick or something. “He puts the lady in a box. Now watch where he sticks the swords…”

If I were to rub a raw tomato on a cheese grater I would expect it to either grate or dice the tomato. Unless the bowl is going to disappear, catch on fire or turn into a dove and fly away I don’t need to be told to pay attention to it. If gravity does it’s job and the bowl doesn’t have a hole in it, I’m pretty sure the bowl will CATCH THE TOMATO.

I watched the video and turns out it PEELS the tomato. Admittedly, not what I expected but it still falls comfortably within the family of mechanically separating parts of the tomato from other parts of the tomato. And the bowl? As predicted, caught the tomato.  My mind has not exactly been blown.

Here’s what this video should be titled: Quick and Easy Way to Peel a Tomato. Done. Short, to the point, tells me what it’s about. You don’t need to describe what I’m about to see and then tell me where to look for the result. I’m a grown human capable of using a computer, I don’t need a prep course on how to process information.

“Oh, he’s rubbing the tomato on the cheese grater! Good thing they warned me this would happen or I’d be very confused right now. Wait. I think I was suppose to pay attention to something else…”

And THIS trick is going to make your family dinners a LOT better? Is mashing a tomato into a cheese grater going to calm those seething resentments that have been building between you and your spouse for years? Is your teenage daughter going to finally look up from her phone and give you the respect you deserve? I don’t think a tomato can do all that, no matter how closely you pay attention to that bowl.