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Craig Fay Mocks the Things You Post on Facebook

Nicki Minaj vs Led Zeppelin and Apples vs Oranges

Congratulations on your ability to compare apples to oranges.

Ever think that maybe, just maybe the fact that they are songs from different genres is important? Like maybe the sorts of things that make a good Rock song, like lyrical complexity, are not the same things that make a good Hip Hop song? Maybe a good Hip Hop song has a lot of repetition because you’re suppose to DANCE to it.

And don’t kid yourself into thinking that all songs from 1975 were poetic and deep. Here’s a sample of lyrics from chart toppers KC and the Sunshine Band:

That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do

Oh, that’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Real deep stuff there.

Now I must confess I am not a big Led Zeppelin fan. I don’t know much about them so I had to Google those lyrics to figure out what song it was. And it turns out that song is called “Thank You” which you can easily confirm was released in 1969. Not 1975. I mean, maybe they played it in concert in 1975 but you can’t really argue that was a great year for music when your example isn’t even from that decade.

We can’t even trust memes now? Whats the world coming to?

I see this sort of thing on Facebook somewhat frequently. To the point where I saw it this time and was actually excited because I finally got to take it to task. But I find it’s normally shared by one type of person: People born in the 80s who proclaim that theres been no good music since 70s rock.

The only people who can claim “no good music has been made since the 70s” are people who were teenagers in the 70’s. And they can claim that because they were teenagers in the 70s just like people who were teenagers in the 60s, 80s, 90s can claim that their music was the best because it happened to be on the radio while they were going through puberty and had nothing better to do than listen.

Most songs from most decades are bad, with a few exceptions. When I was in high school the Spice Girls were not considered “good music” but almost everyone my age knows the lyrics to “If You Wanna Be My Lover” and will gleefully sing them on the dance floor at weddings. The song didn’t get better, it got nostalgic. That’s all.

If you were born in the 80s and think nothing is better than 70s rock, it’s because that’s the music your parents were listening to when they were driving you around in a car seat, and you never bothered to branch out. For the record, liking something because it’s what your parents do has got to be the least Rock and Roll thing possible.

Things are different. People are different. People like different things, and nothing is as good as you remember it. So please stop trying to pretend like your particular tastes make you better than everyone else.

Advertising Toilet Paper

There are really only two reasons you would like or share this photo:

  1. You are a child and laugh at any mention of toilet paper, toilets or anything to do with bodily functions. In which case, whatever. We were all eight at one point. It’s a phase you’ll get over it.
  2. You are an adult  who has absolutely no idea how capitalism works.

I don’t expect you to have a PhD in economics or anything but you have got to know that there is more than one company that sells toilet paper. There is no state-run monolithic Toilet Paper Company. On the most basic level this is why we fought the Cold War. We nearly nuked Cuba into a smouldering pit in the middle of the ocean all in defence of having entire aisles dedicated to an insanely overwhelming selection of toilet paper. (Editors note: We fought Korea for the cereal aisle, and Vietnam was all about the right to hold Tupperware parties). It’s pretty common knowledge. I’d put good money on school kids being able to name more brands of toilet paper than US Presidents. Then you come along “OMG! LOL! SO TRUE! SHARE, SHARE, SHARE. LIKE LIKE LIKE. What a waste of money! Why are they advertising a product everyone uses?!?!”

Well, if you pay really close attention you’ll notice that toilet paper companies don’t spend a lot of time convincing you to USE toilet paper. They don’t go on TV and say,”Hey you, if you’re not wiping your butt with cellulose from a tree after you poop you’re a horrible, unsanitary, monster.”

They’re not even saying, “Hey, we’re the only company who makes this stuff. Believe me, we’d rather be doing something else too but it’s our duty to society so buy it and don’t be horrible, unsanitary, monster.”

No, most of the advertising for toilet paper says something like “Hey, we know you’re going to use this anyway but boy, oh boy it sure would be swell if you bought it from us. You see, we’re different from those other toilet paper companies. We’ve got waves and ripples,  pleats and troughs, grooves and contours, thick and plump rolls full of  double the absorbent and clean sheets. So buy our toilet paper otherwise you’re a horrible, unsanitary, monster.” You’re asking why there are commercials when they’re literally explaining why in their commercials.

Perhaps the simplest explanation as to why they advertise toilet paper is that there are people who will share this picture so there are people out there so obviously clueless about how things actually are that maybe they do need to be told to use toilet paper.

Technology Free Childhood

Hey, here’s a fun internet trick: In the Facebook search bar type “Rock” “Country” or “Hits” followed by a number between 88 and 108 and you’ll have instant access to all the share-bait you could ever want. I don’t know why radio stations have become the default repository of pixelated JPEGS of moderately amusing things, but the trend is undeniable.  Years from now internet archeologists will stumble upon these pages and wonder what any of it had to do with “music”.

This particular one is brought to you by Rock 103, who provide an emphatic “yup” in support of “I’m so thankful I had a childhood before technology took over”. Really? You had a childhood before there was technology?

What technology was that? Did you mean Facebook?  iPhones? The internet?

Or did you mean television, radio, airplanes, antibiotics, electricity, the cotton gin, pasteurized milk, the steam engine, iron ploughs, the ox cart, written language, bronze tools, waterwheels, agriculture, domestication of animals, stone cutting tools, or one of those long sticks used to poke termite nests?

Seriously, don’t even get me started on termite poking sticks. Used to be you’d have to dig up those nests by hand, get your nails all dirty while you frantically shoved the juiciest of those maggot-like ants into your mouth. Kids today! Amiright?

And while growing up without technology puts you in the very enviable position of being “The Ancient One”, walking the earth for millennia, witnessing the rise and fall of countless civilizations, and to whom a human lifespan is but a fleeting moment quickly lost in the ever expanding ocean of time,  it has not taught you that things change.

Every generation for all of human history has had new technology that corrupts youth, destroys society and distracts us from whats really important. Youth are lazy and too reliant on technology. Parents are stubborn and out of touch. Parents die. Youth become parents. The cycle begins anew. We’ve been doing this since someone decided to cook their food with fire rather than die of food poisoning, and so far we’re doing okay.

Technology isn’t ruining childhoods. Except for radio station Facebook pages. I think those might actually be messing people up.

Broken Physics

First, I’ve got to give credit where credit is due. That is a damn fine balanced hammer. Even I’m impressed and I normally I get all nervous when something is balanced precariously. Mind you my definition of “balanced precariously” is putting down a drinking glass within an inch of the edge of a table.

But as impressive and unsettling as this hammer is I think we all know it’s balanced right? No one’s like “Hey Jim-Bob,  come look at the internets. It gone done and broke physics!”

This could just be my mechanical engineering degree speaking but a balanced hammer seems like a pretty poor reason to “forget everything you know about physics”. If you see something on the internet that you don’t understand, doesn’t behave the way you think it should or appears to “break physics” there are really only two possibilities:

  1. It’s a trick. Either an optical illusion, Photoshop or some other form of wizard based treachery. In which case don’t forget everything you ever knew about physics. I understand you saw a video of David Blane floating in mid air but gravity still exists and cars will still mess you up.
  2. It’s real, which means that what you are looking at is physically possible. Let me say that again with emphasis: it is PHYSICally POSSIBLE. As in, PHYSICS says it is POSSIBLE. In which case maybe don’t forget everything you know about physics because it’s obviously explaining the shit out this right now.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that in 99.999% of cases where you want to explain how objects can do the things they’re doing you shouldn’t “forget everything you know about physics” and should probably “know more physics”. Realistically, clearing your brain of all knowledge about how the physical world functions is only useful if you’re Neo in the Matrix.

I’ll spare you all the detailed force diagrams explaining how all this works but if you want to see some well balanced stuff you can read the original article series of pictures that require far too many clicks to get through here.

 

Oh and if you want those detailed force diagrams I’ll totally nerd out for you.

Tomatoes and Cheese Graters

Over the last week a whole bunch of people have been posting that ridiculous legal notice to their Facebook wall so this week on Craig Fay Mocks Things You Post on Facebook I am obviously taking aim at…this post about tomatoes and cheese graters.

I’m all for kitchen tricks and time savers but this headline bothers me. “He Rubs a Raw Tomato Against a Cheese Grater. Now watch the bowl…” They’re stating the most mundane and boring thing possible as if something amazing and unexpected is going to happen. Like it’s a magic trick or something. “He puts the lady in a box. Now watch where he sticks the swords…”

If I were to rub a raw tomato on a cheese grater I would expect it to either grate or dice the tomato. Unless the bowl is going to disappear, catch on fire or turn into a dove and fly away I don’t need to be told to pay attention to it. If gravity does it’s job and the bowl doesn’t have a hole in it, I’m pretty sure the bowl will CATCH THE TOMATO.

I watched the video and turns out it PEELS the tomato. Admittedly, not what I expected but it still falls comfortably within the family of mechanically separating parts of the tomato from other parts of the tomato. And the bowl? As predicted, caught the tomato.  My mind has not exactly been blown.

Here’s what this video should be titled: Quick and Easy Way to Peel a Tomato. Done. Short, to the point, tells me what it’s about. You don’t need to describe what I’m about to see and then tell me where to look for the result. I’m a grown human capable of using a computer, I don’t need a prep course on how to process information.

“Oh, he’s rubbing the tomato on the cheese grater! Good thing they warned me this would happen or I’d be very confused right now. Wait. I think I was suppose to pay attention to something else…”

And THIS trick is going to make your family dinners a LOT better? Is mashing a tomato into a cheese grater going to calm those seething resentments that have been building between you and your spouse for years? Is your teenage daughter going to finally look up from her phone and give you the respect you deserve? I don’t think a tomato can do all that, no matter how closely you pay attention to that bowl.

 

Likes For Babies

Um, what?
Listen man, I don’t want to rain on your parade or anything. You seem like a nice guy and you obviously want to be a father real bad. I mean, you got a Sharpie and that big piece of bristol board. That takes dedication. But maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the best way to bring a life into the world.

Seriously, this is a human life we’re talking about. It’s a huge responsibility, a lifelong commitment and a sizable financial burden. Rather than leave this up to 50,000 strangers on Facebook perhaps this is something you should discuss with your wife.

Which brings me to my next point: Your wife doesn’t want a baby! I can’t believe I have to say this but here it goes: when you approach your spouse and say “Hey, I really would like to have a kid” and they LAUGH IN YOUR FACE and tell you they will only have a child with you if you accomplish something that they think is impossible, they don’t want a baby! Or at least not with you.

The fact that you had to have this explained to you is not a good sign. There are some serious red flags with your relationship here. Not only are you bad at listening but she’s obviously sarcastic and dismissive when discussing important issues. And of course there’s the whole thing where you’re trying to coerce and manipulate each other into make huge life altering decisions. If this is your dynamic I can only assume that she’s running a parrallel Twitter campaign where if she gets 10,000 retweets you’ll finally give her that vasectomy.

Please don’t have a baby. They’ll be doomed to grow up into the kind of person who likes this sort of thing on Facebook and 50,000 of those is already way too many.

National Short Girls Day

  
No it’s not. No one is celebrating this.

If it is, please feel free to show me the declaration by the government or a national organization or anything that isn’t a picture on Facebook. 
Good thing it happened to be National Short Girls day on the very day you stumbled across this picture and re-posted it. I mean it could have been any day since it’s not specifically stated as “Sept 10”, but the picture says “today” so it must be THIS day! Right? No way anything on the internet is more than a day old. If all you need is a dateless picture to believe it’s a “day” I’ve got some doozies that prove that today is Christmas, my birthday and the wedding anniversary of Julius Caesar and Billy the Kid.

Is this really something that requires a national day to recognize? Are we really suppose to, as a nation, contemplate the difficulties of being a girl who is at the lower end of normal human height distribution?

Aids, Women, Earth, Martin Luther King Jr and Short Girls? Do you seriously look at that list and think to yourself “all of these are equally worthy of the nations time”? “Oh no, when I kiss a tall guy he has to bend down.” What a tough hand to be dealt. Thank you for drawing attention to your struggle.

Stop it. Stop declaring things days because you want some day for your group to feel “special”. You want a day to feel special? That’s your birthday. And actually your not special on your birthday either. Feeling special on your birthday is for 8 year olds not adults like you who know what an actual accomplishment is.
It’s not a day. Stop trying to make it a day.